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I’ve fallen and I can’t seem to get back up on track!

Although I’m not back at 266lb I’ve gained about 20lb back.

Laziness.

Depression.

Boredom.

I’ve got lots of excuses! The question is do I have the fortitude to find the answer?

I just don’t know yet.

-Marilyn

Tyler is married.
Dakota is off to college in a month.

The nest is emptying out at a dizzying rate! I admit that I am really excited at the prospect of seeing where my sons’ lives go from here but at the same time I am sad. I’m sad at how quickly life flew by in the early years. I’m sad at how many times I missed opportunitites to make memories. It’s a melancholy place I’m in right now.

No, I’m definately in a blue depression. I am just not really sure who I am when they are gone. I’ve been mom for 20 years. I’ve been mom longer than Teddy and I have had time alone as a couple. We got pregnant one month after marriage! After Tyler came around we got pregnant with Dakota very quickly! The boys are only 19 months apart so life has been non-stop since they arrived.

Now it seems to be slowing down . . . for me at least. No more hurried fall seasons ahead with school, football, band and other commitments. No more crazy summers with them roaming the house and complaining how bored they are! No more committed Friday nights to football. No more winter basketball games where I can yell at the inept referees!

Soon I’m going to have to figure out just who I am without being mommy and just being Mom. They aren’t dependant on me anymore for their everyday needs. So, now maybe it’s the season for marriage? I’m excited by that. I love my hubby to death, he is my very best friend. I’m curious to see what adventures the Lord leads us on.

So where do I go from here? I don’t have a clue and that’s the twist of it all!

–Mar

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)

The Apostle Paul had a thorn in his life. Something that was serious and more than a mere nuisance. He asked the Lord to remove it several times but the Lord reminded him that HIS grace was sufficient to endure the thorn. We don’t know specifically what that thorn was and I prefer it that way. If it were too specific we would tend to put this issue in a box with well defined borders and push it aside if our own thorns didn’t fit that mold.

My thorn isn’t usually visible. I’ve had it since I was a pre-teen. It revealed it’s horrifying head when I was about 26. I’ve dealt with it nearly all my life it seems. It’s not something I like to talk about and certainly don’t toss it out like it’s nothing. I won’t go into detailed specifics here but I just felt like “talking” about it. The thorn has influenced everything there is about me. How I view myself, my body, my mind, my abilities and the world around me in general. It cast a shadow over everyone around me – I tend to view myself through their eyes…through the lens of my thorn. In other words, I assume alot!

How did I get to the age of nearly 40 and just now realize it’s something I need to focus on until Jesus tells me otherwise? It may be that I never get completely free from this thorn but I have to find it somewhere in my faith to realize that I can deal with it only because of what He has done for me. So, if I take this thorn to the grave it’s ok because once I pass from this world into those thousand hills that Jesus roams, I’ll have broken free finally.

His grace IS sufficient enough.

-Mar

Haven’t written for a few days. 😦

I’ve been a little blue I think. All I could think about was FOOD!! LoL It’s amazing to me how much food can control my emotions. I’m trying to figure out exactly when I becamse “that” person. That person comforted and controlled by food. You’ve undoubtedly heard the term “emotional eater” and I guess it’s a real thing.

For the past nine days I have taken my focus off food and there is definately a hole in my life. It saddens me that I allowed food to have such a huge impact on my day to day living. It had become so comfortable to me and it really did (and to a degree does) hold a huge part of my focus each day. I’m guessing if I had put as much energy into walking everyday as I did with making cupcakes I’d be fit! If I put as much passion into my love of writing as I do my love of pizza…I’d have something finished by now.

I’m seeing alot of things coming to the surface as I continue through this reprogramming of my life. I’m just not sure I want to see anymore ya know? Facing a serious weakness is hard. And this weakness is of my own making. I can’t blame my past or another person. It all rests squarely on my shoulders. I made myself overweight and unhealthy. I chose to do this. It wasn’t genetics it was simply me. I gotta face up to that, forgive myself, as forgivness from my Lord and turn away from it…repent from my food addiction.

I want my next 39 years to be focused on my life and not my plate.

-Mar

I’ve been pretty up beat since I began my journey. Had alot of energy and a great outlook. Today…ehhh not so much.

I’ve been tired all day and a nagging headache made it’s presence known for most of my morning. I made it through my day and had a back step moment before I even realized what was going on.

I ate 1/2 of a wonderful, soft buttery roll! I had made them for my guys for dinner to go along with their chicken. I figured they would all be gone by the time I got back home from a Secret Sisters meeting @ church. Unfortunately they were in the oven…still warm. I tossed them onto the stove as I began to clean up the kitchen, leaving the foil in tact. I shuffled around the kitchen in my camo slippers and eyeballed those wonderous rolls over and over again. Suddenly I found myself at the stove with my hand removing the foil cover!

Honestly, is there anything more lovely than a buttered roll!!?

Before I knew it my hand was being a traitor and depositing the roll in my mouth! Someone made my mouth bite down and I began to chew. I may have had one of those “out of body experiences” as I swallowed the only carb I’ve had for 7 days! Before I could finish it off I snapped back to myself and immediately tossed it into the trash.

I told my hubby and he immediately encouraged me to toss them out and I did. I can feel that harsh hand of criticism pounding in my heart against what I did. I can already hear it saying, “You screwed up! Just give it all up and go get some fried chicken!!” If I am being honest I can tell you that I want to do what this part of me says….I want to just give up and return to what I know is comfortable in my life. I’m very uncomfortable right now. In fact, to be honest I’m down right agonized over this. This changing of my eating habits is causing me annoyance and pain.

Really? Annoyance and pain? I’m asking myself tonight does it really cause me pain? Am I exaggerating how I feel? I want to tell myself to suck it up and get over it. It’s just food.

It’s just food for the normal average everyday person. For me….it’s a vice. For me it’s a compulsion. For me, it’s an addiction.

Webster’s defines “addiction” as:

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
 
Yep. I would say that my love of food has become an addiction in my life. Loving food by itself is not bad for me – it’s the inability to control my compulsive eating that is causing my problems. I’m on this journey because I want to be free of this addiction. I still love food. I consider myself a foodie to be exact. I love FOOD Network and anything like that. I like to try new stuff. I think that in the future, when I have my weight at a managable level, I can continue to explore my love of food. I’ll just be able to do it in a controlled and balanced way.
 
I’m not worried about fitting into a smaller size pair of jeans or looking “cute”. I’m certainly not worried how I look to the opposite sex – with the exception of my dear hubby. 🙂 I just want to be healthy and to be free. I was set free in Christ and I dont want to have any more bondage around my spirit.
 
So, I ate 1/2 a roll. I’m ok but man oh man…..it sure was good! 😛
 

“You lost 9 lbs this week!!”

I couldn’t bring myself to actually look at the scales this morning. I have this gut wrenching fear of scales because they have never been kind to me. I’ve always pumped myself up and looked down only to be deflated like a balloon. So today I wasn’t really expecting anything super exciting. I had weighed at church but expected the scales to be wrong when compared to Healthy Figures scales.

Losing 9lbs is huge for me. I started this journey @ 266 lbs on a 5’9 frame. Yes, I am obviously of German descent and I actually have “big bones”. LoL But my weight is all centralized around my abdomen which from everything I’ve read is probably the worst place it can be. 266 lbs down 9 lbs. That’s monumental for me. I’m still processing it all really.

I’m over joyed by my weigh loss but news about a sister @ church has brought this into a more clear perspective for me. Her breast cancer has come back and it’s aggressive and her choices for treatment are so invasive. She’s on her own hard journey. Her own serious struggle. And so, even though I’d like to post so much more and whoop and holler all night I’m going to just say, “Thank you Lord and please continue to hold up my friend Kathe and her struggle against cancer.”

-Mar