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Archive for February, 2012

Haven’t written for a few days. 😦

I’ve been a little blue I think. All I could think about was FOOD!! LoL It’s amazing to me how much food can control my emotions. I’m trying to figure out exactly when I becamse “that” person. That person comforted and controlled by food. You’ve undoubtedly heard the term “emotional eater” and I guess it’s a real thing.

For the past nine days I have taken my focus off food and there is definately a hole in my life. It saddens me that I allowed food to have such a huge impact on my day to day living. It had become so comfortable to me and it really did (and to a degree does) hold a huge part of my focus each day. I’m guessing if I had put as much energy into walking everyday as I did with making cupcakes I’d be fit! If I put as much passion into my love of writing as I do my love of pizza…I’d have something finished by now.

I’m seeing alot of things coming to the surface as I continue through this reprogramming of my life. I’m just not sure I want to see anymore ya know? Facing a serious weakness is hard. And this weakness is of my own making. I can’t blame my past or another person. It all rests squarely on my shoulders. I made myself overweight and unhealthy. I chose to do this. It wasn’t genetics it was simply me. I gotta face up to that, forgive myself, as forgivness from my Lord and turn away from it…repent from my food addiction.

I want my next 39 years to be focused on my life and not my plate.

-Mar

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Half A Roll…..

I’ve been pretty up beat since I began my journey. Had alot of energy and a great outlook. Today…ehhh not so much.

I’ve been tired all day and a nagging headache made it’s presence known for most of my morning. I made it through my day and had a back step moment before I even realized what was going on.

I ate 1/2 of a wonderful, soft buttery roll! I had made them for my guys for dinner to go along with their chicken. I figured they would all be gone by the time I got back home from a Secret Sisters meeting @ church. Unfortunately they were in the oven…still warm. I tossed them onto the stove as I began to clean up the kitchen, leaving the foil in tact. I shuffled around the kitchen in my camo slippers and eyeballed those wonderous rolls over and over again. Suddenly I found myself at the stove with my hand removing the foil cover!

Honestly, is there anything more lovely than a buttered roll!!?

Before I knew it my hand was being a traitor and depositing the roll in my mouth! Someone made my mouth bite down and I began to chew. I may have had one of those “out of body experiences” as I swallowed the only carb I’ve had for 7 days! Before I could finish it off I snapped back to myself and immediately tossed it into the trash.

I told my hubby and he immediately encouraged me to toss them out and I did. I can feel that harsh hand of criticism pounding in my heart against what I did. I can already hear it saying, “You screwed up! Just give it all up and go get some fried chicken!!” If I am being honest I can tell you that I want to do what this part of me says….I want to just give up and return to what I know is comfortable in my life. I’m very uncomfortable right now. In fact, to be honest I’m down right agonized over this. This changing of my eating habits is causing me annoyance and pain.

Really? Annoyance and pain? I’m asking myself tonight does it really cause me pain? Am I exaggerating how I feel? I want to tell myself to suck it up and get over it. It’s just food.

It’s just food for the normal average everyday person. For me….it’s a vice. For me it’s a compulsion. For me, it’s an addiction.

Webster’s defines “addiction” as:

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
 
Yep. I would say that my love of food has become an addiction in my life. Loving food by itself is not bad for me – it’s the inability to control my compulsive eating that is causing my problems. I’m on this journey because I want to be free of this addiction. I still love food. I consider myself a foodie to be exact. I love FOOD Network and anything like that. I like to try new stuff. I think that in the future, when I have my weight at a managable level, I can continue to explore my love of food. I’ll just be able to do it in a controlled and balanced way.
 
I’m not worried about fitting into a smaller size pair of jeans or looking “cute”. I’m certainly not worried how I look to the opposite sex – with the exception of my dear hubby. 🙂 I just want to be healthy and to be free. I was set free in Christ and I dont want to have any more bondage around my spirit.
 
So, I ate 1/2 a roll. I’m ok but man oh man…..it sure was good! 😛
 

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Clear Sight

“You lost 9 lbs this week!!”

I couldn’t bring myself to actually look at the scales this morning. I have this gut wrenching fear of scales because they have never been kind to me. I’ve always pumped myself up and looked down only to be deflated like a balloon. So today I wasn’t really expecting anything super exciting. I had weighed at church but expected the scales to be wrong when compared to Healthy Figures scales.

Losing 9lbs is huge for me. I started this journey @ 266 lbs on a 5’9 frame. Yes, I am obviously of German descent and I actually have “big bones”. LoL But my weight is all centralized around my abdomen which from everything I’ve read is probably the worst place it can be. 266 lbs down 9 lbs. That’s monumental for me. I’m still processing it all really.

I’m over joyed by my weigh loss but news about a sister @ church has brought this into a more clear perspective for me. Her breast cancer has come back and it’s aggressive and her choices for treatment are so invasive. She’s on her own hard journey. Her own serious struggle. And so, even though I’d like to post so much more and whoop and holler all night I’m going to just say, “Thank you Lord and please continue to hold up my friend Kathe and her struggle against cancer.”

-Mar

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Had a wonderful day @ church this morning! Went to lunch with some friends to our local Denny’s.

My youngest son decided that he’d like to have the pancake puppies! Now, let me just explain how marvelously decadent these things are! They are little puffy clouds of blueberry pancakes that you can dip in cream cheese frosting or syrup. They are hot and they are so very yummy. This fat girl has a soft spot in her squishy heart for these puppies. :/ As soon as our waitress set them down on the table all I could do was smell them. I was engulfed in a wicked cloud of heart stopping goodness that threatened to take me over the edge. I would not look at them but the smell was just as enticing.

A few deep breaths and a well placed threat to my son and I was back on track. Fruit, grilled chicken and some spinach were my fare for the afternoon meal. I felt pretty good walking out of there knowing that I had left food on my plate and my bill was substantially lower than it usually is.

I’m trying so hard to keep my goal in sight. 100 lbs! This ain’t no sissy journey I’m on folks. This is the real deal. I’m living on 800 calories a day and sometimes I feel the chunky part of my soul raging against this new boundaries to be let loose to plunder a nearby fast food place! But in the words of Gandalf the Grey in Lord of the Rings, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Take that chunky self. You cannot pass because I am determined and I am purposed in my heart to defeat you.

I will dream fondly of those blueberry pancake puppies dripping with their lovely cream cheese frosting. Dreaming is ok though I figure. 🙂

-Mar

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(Thank you to the Healthy Figures ladies and Angie for telling me about this! I’m going to share because it is sooo good especially if you are a choco lunatic like me! :P)

2 Tbs of fat-free cool whip (20 cal)

Walden Farms Chocolate Sauce (0 cal)

Drizzle (to taste) the chocolate sauce over your cool whip and mix gently in a small bowl.

I like to freeze it in the bowl but the others told me that you can put small drops (tsp fuls) onto wax paper and freeze for quick treats!

I was very skeptical but once I tried it I was sold! It absolutely got rid of my chocolate craving.

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Philippians 4:12-13

 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all thingsthrough him who strengthens me.

No one embarks on a journey alone if they are smart. You should always travel with a friend for safety and companionship along the road. I watched a friend of mine begin her journey with Healthy Figures about 6 months ago. I watched the pounds melt off her and how she was so constant. She didn’t give in. She kept to the meal plan and the results were amazing! Then a few weeks ago another friend began her journey and in the past few weeks she has melted away the pounds too!

So, I took the step and started it myself. I’m four days into the plan and I have no idea how much weight I may have lost. It was rough the first few days because my calories were cut down to 800 and all those being protein for the first three days. Now @ my 4th day I can add veggies! Never been so excited to eat something green lol!

I realized something about my love of food – it is an addiction. Pure and simple. I was brought face to face with that fact on my very first day. I started the plan on Wednesday which is mid-week church night for me. I prepare the meal for my church family and for some reason, one I am still contemplating, I decided that friend chicken from our local Brookshires would be good. GOOD!? Umm, yes it’s amazing! In fact, it’s one of my favorite meals…ever! LOL I didn’t think that meal through very well. I certainly didn’t expect Mrs Vickie, the best dessert maker west of the Mississippi, to bring in her fabulous, sinful sopapilla cheesecake either! I was trapped!!

My struggles that night were vicious. I know it sounds funny and it is now that I can look back at it but while it was tormenting me it was horrible. I was not physically hungry but my emotional/ingrained response was to eat and eat alot! It overpowered me enough to make me break down on the way home and cry. I was so frustrated and upset with myself. I never realized how powerfully food controlled me. I love food. I love to eat. I love the whole experience, the taste, smell and sight of it. For the last 19 yrs I have allowed it to have free reign of my life. I’ve piled on 100lbs that shouldn’t be there. I came face to face with the monster of gluttony and it ain’t pretty!

So, now I’m 4 days into changing my life. Changing my eating habits and the way I look at food. I think I can still love food and all that comes with it and still be healthy. I’ve survived the massive chocolate attack – the lure of fried chicken – the temptress that is mac n cheese and I survived! I’ve gone to Chili’s and IHOP this week and ate a very healthy meal! Sure I had to rush through the menu and find the healthy section but that’s ok. The point is I did it. I’ve gone from a 3500 cal diet (PER DAY) down to less than 800 and the awesome thing is that I have not been deprived at all. I’ve had alot of protein and now I can have veggies. My stomach is being taught a lesson!

I love hearing my DH (dear hubby) tell me he’s proud of me. It makes me feel good and accomplished. I’m not really one to follow through with a diet for more than a day or two. The first sign of temptation and I would dive in head first. Four days may not seem like a lot to someone who doesn’t deal with food addiction and complusive eating but for me it’s a huge victory. Every single day that I win victory over my gluttonous spirit is a day to celebrate!

I can only celebrate because of the One who gives me the strength I need: Jesus Christ.

He is my Savior, my Friend, my biggest Champion, my Banner, my Greatest Love. I know that He is proud of me. I know that He loves me no matter what I weigh. This isn’t about a number or fitting into a smaller size. It’s not about being skinny so I can be a “good” Christian. It’s about me getting control of an area of my life that has been out of control for a while. The only One who can gain that control is my Lord. I can ONLY DO THIS because of Jesus!

So, if you read this and want to praise me for my strength in this matter but please dont. It’s not me! Trust me, if this were left up to me I’d be face down in a huge glorious chocolate cake with two pieces of fried chicken in my hands!! I have only prevailed these past 4 days because of His great love for me. Because of His little pushes here and there. For His sweet Spirit that reminds me it’s not worth it everytime I picked up a food that was not on my plan. It’s all because of Jesus I’m alive!

Thanks for reading my blog and going on this journey with me. My plan is to post a “before” pic and pics along the way. I need to get the nerve up first!! May the sweetness of Jesus flow into your life and lift you up with His strength.

-Mar

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Its My Time

One of the movies I love is “The Goonies”. As a child of the 80s I remember this one line, “Down here this is Goonies time, this is our time! I’m at a place in my life where I can say, “This is my time!”

As the married mother of two grown sons @ the tender age of 39 I have decided to begin my journey of weightloss and self evaluation. It had to be my time and not someone else’s timetable. I’m about 100lbs overweight. Unlike many other folks like me I dont blame nature or big bones lol. I blame me. My eating habits and lack of physical activity for the past 19yrs has brought me where I am today – at the crossroads.

Ive had every excuse not to diet you can fathom. My most recent has been that I’m just ok with bein this heavy. Let’s just be honest-I’m not. I do not have dietary dillusions of granduer that I will lose this 100lbs and become Jen Aniston. I just want to walk up a flight of stairs without nearly passing out! I want to leave my worries of a stroke, blood pressure and heart attack behind. It’s my time and my choice.

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