Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Tyler is married.
Dakota is off to college in a month.

The nest is emptying out at a dizzying rate! I admit that I am really excited at the prospect of seeing where my sons’ lives go from here but at the same time I am sad. I’m sad at how quickly life flew by in the early years. I’m sad at how many times I missed opportunitites to make memories. It’s a melancholy place I’m in right now.

No, I’m definately in a blue depression. I am just not really sure who I am when they are gone. I’ve been mom for 20 years. I’ve been mom longer than Teddy and I have had time alone as a couple. We got pregnant one month after marriage! After Tyler came around we got pregnant with Dakota very quickly! The boys are only 19 months apart so life has been non-stop since they arrived.

Now it seems to be slowing down . . . for me at least. No more hurried fall seasons ahead with school, football, band and other commitments. No more crazy summers with them roaming the house and complaining how bored they are! No more committed Friday nights to football. No more winter basketball games where I can yell at the inept referees!

Soon I’m going to have to figure out just who I am without being mommy and just being Mom. They aren’t dependant on me anymore for their everyday needs. So, now maybe it’s the season for marriage? I’m excited by that. I love my hubby to death, he is my very best friend. I’m curious to see what adventures the Lord leads us on.

So where do I go from here? I don’t have a clue and that’s the twist of it all!



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10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)

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The Apostle Paul had a thorn in his life. Something that was serious and more than a mere nuisance. He asked the Lord to remove it several times but the Lord reminded him that HIS grace was sufficient to endure the thorn. We don’t know specifically what that thorn was and I prefer it that way. If it were too specific we would tend to put this issue in a box with well defined borders and push it aside if our own thorns didn’t fit that mold.

My thorn isn’t usually visible. I’ve had it since I was a pre-teen. It revealed it’s horrifying head when I was about 26. I’ve dealt with it nearly all my life it seems. It’s not something I like to talk about and certainly don’t toss it out like it’s nothing. I won’t go into detailed specifics here but I just felt like “talking” about it. The thorn has influenced everything there is about me. How I view myself, my body, my mind, my abilities and the world around me in general. It cast a shadow over everyone around me – I tend to view myself through their eyes…through the lens of my thorn. In other words, I assume alot!

How did I get to the age of nearly 40 and just now realize it’s something I need to focus on until Jesus tells me otherwise? It may be that I never get completely free from this thorn but I have to find it somewhere in my faith to realize that I can deal with it only because of what He has done for me. So, if I take this thorn to the grave it’s ok because once I pass from this world into those thousand hills that Jesus roams, I’ll have broken free finally.

His grace IS sufficient enough.


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Half A Roll…..

I’ve been pretty up beat since I began my journey. Had alot of energy and a great outlook. Today…ehhh not so much.

I’ve been tired all day and a nagging headache made it’s presence known for most of my morning. I made it through my day and had a back step moment before I even realized what was going on.

I ate 1/2 of a wonderful, soft buttery roll! I had made them for my guys for dinner to go along with their chicken. I figured they would all be gone by the time I got back home from a Secret Sisters meeting @ church. Unfortunately they were in the oven…still warm. I tossed them onto the stove as I began to clean up the kitchen, leaving the foil in tact. I shuffled around the kitchen in my camo slippers and eyeballed those wonderous rolls over and over again. Suddenly I found myself at the stove with my hand removing the foil cover!

Honestly, is there anything more lovely than a buttered roll!!?

Before I knew it my hand was being a traitor and depositing the roll in my mouth! Someone made my mouth bite down and I began to chew. I may have had one of those “out of body experiences” as I swallowed the only carb I’ve had for 7 days! Before I could finish it off I snapped back to myself and immediately tossed it into the trash.

I told my hubby and he immediately encouraged me to toss them out and I did. I can feel that harsh hand of criticism pounding in my heart against what I did. I can already hear it saying, “You screwed up! Just give it all up and go get some fried chicken!!” If I am being honest I can tell you that I want to do what this part of me says….I want to just give up and return to what I know is comfortable in my life. I’m very uncomfortable right now. In fact, to be honest I’m down right agonized over this. This changing of my eating habits is causing me annoyance and pain.

Really? Annoyance and pain? I’m asking myself tonight does it really cause me pain? Am I exaggerating how I feel? I want to tell myself to suck it up and get over it. It’s just food.

It’s just food for the normal average everyday person. For me….it’s a vice. For me it’s a compulsion. For me, it’s an addiction.

Webster’s defines “addiction” as:

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Yep. I would say that my love of food has become an addiction in my life. Loving food by itself is not bad for me – it’s the inability to control my compulsive eating that is causing my problems. I’m on this journey because I want to be free of this addiction. I still love food. I consider myself a foodie to be exact. I love FOOD Network and anything like that. I like to try new stuff. I think that in the future, when I have my weight at a managable level, I can continue to explore my love of food. I’ll just be able to do it in a controlled and balanced way.
I’m not worried about fitting into a smaller size pair of jeans or looking “cute”. I’m certainly not worried how I look to the opposite sex – with the exception of my dear hubby. 🙂 I just want to be healthy and to be free. I was set free in Christ and I dont want to have any more bondage around my spirit.
So, I ate 1/2 a roll. I’m ok but man oh man…..it sure was good! 😛

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Clear Sight

“You lost 9 lbs this week!!”

I couldn’t bring myself to actually look at the scales this morning. I have this gut wrenching fear of scales because they have never been kind to me. I’ve always pumped myself up and looked down only to be deflated like a balloon. So today I wasn’t really expecting anything super exciting. I had weighed at church but expected the scales to be wrong when compared to Healthy Figures scales.

Losing 9lbs is huge for me. I started this journey @ 266 lbs on a 5’9 frame. Yes, I am obviously of German descent and I actually have “big bones”. LoL But my weight is all centralized around my abdomen which from everything I’ve read is probably the worst place it can be. 266 lbs down 9 lbs. That’s monumental for me. I’m still processing it all really.

I’m over joyed by my weigh loss but news about a sister @ church has brought this into a more clear perspective for me. Her breast cancer has come back and it’s aggressive and her choices for treatment are so invasive. She’s on her own hard journey. Her own serious struggle. And so, even though I’d like to post so much more and whoop and holler all night I’m going to just say, “Thank you Lord and please continue to hold up my friend Kathe and her struggle against cancer.”


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Its My Time

One of the movies I love is “The Goonies”. As a child of the 80s I remember this one line, “Down here this is Goonies time, this is our time! I’m at a place in my life where I can say, “This is my time!”

As the married mother of two grown sons @ the tender age of 39 I have decided to begin my journey of weightloss and self evaluation. It had to be my time and not someone else’s timetable. I’m about 100lbs overweight. Unlike many other folks like me I dont blame nature or big bones lol. I blame me. My eating habits and lack of physical activity for the past 19yrs has brought me where I am today – at the crossroads.

Ive had every excuse not to diet you can fathom. My most recent has been that I’m just ok with bein this heavy. Let’s just be honest-I’m not. I do not have dietary dillusions of granduer that I will lose this 100lbs and become Jen Aniston. I just want to walk up a flight of stairs without nearly passing out! I want to leave my worries of a stroke, blood pressure and heart attack behind. It’s my time and my choice.

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