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Archive for the ‘Weight Loss Journey’ Category

I’ve fallen and I can’t seem to get back up on track!

Although I’m not back at 266lb I’ve gained about 20lb back.

Laziness.

Depression.

Boredom.

I’ve got lots of excuses! The question is do I have the fortitude to find the answer?

I just don’t know yet.

-Marilyn

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Haven’t written for a few days. 😦

I’ve been a little blue I think. All I could think about was FOOD!! LoL It’s amazing to me how much food can control my emotions. I’m trying to figure out exactly when I becamse “that” person. That person comforted and controlled by food. You’ve undoubtedly heard the term “emotional eater” and I guess it’s a real thing.

For the past nine days I have taken my focus off food and there is definately a hole in my life. It saddens me that I allowed food to have such a huge impact on my day to day living. It had become so comfortable to me and it really did (and to a degree does) hold a huge part of my focus each day. I’m guessing if I had put as much energy into walking everyday as I did with making cupcakes I’d be fit! If I put as much passion into my love of writing as I do my love of pizza…I’d have something finished by now.

I’m seeing alot of things coming to the surface as I continue through this reprogramming of my life. I’m just not sure I want to see anymore ya know? Facing a serious weakness is hard. And this weakness is of my own making. I can’t blame my past or another person. It all rests squarely on my shoulders. I made myself overweight and unhealthy. I chose to do this. It wasn’t genetics it was simply me. I gotta face up to that, forgive myself, as forgivness from my Lord and turn away from it…repent from my food addiction.

I want my next 39 years to be focused on my life and not my plate.

-Mar

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Had a wonderful day @ church this morning! Went to lunch with some friends to our local Denny’s.

My youngest son decided that he’d like to have the pancake puppies! Now, let me just explain how marvelously decadent these things are! They are little puffy clouds of blueberry pancakes that you can dip in cream cheese frosting or syrup. They are hot and they are so very yummy. This fat girl has a soft spot in her squishy heart for these puppies. :/ As soon as our waitress set them down on the table all I could do was smell them. I was engulfed in a wicked cloud of heart stopping goodness that threatened to take me over the edge. I would not look at them but the smell was just as enticing.

A few deep breaths and a well placed threat to my son and I was back on track. Fruit, grilled chicken and some spinach were my fare for the afternoon meal. I felt pretty good walking out of there knowing that I had left food on my plate and my bill was substantially lower than it usually is.

I’m trying so hard to keep my goal in sight. 100 lbs! This ain’t no sissy journey I’m on folks. This is the real deal. I’m living on 800 calories a day and sometimes I feel the chunky part of my soul raging against this new boundaries to be let loose to plunder a nearby fast food place! But in the words of Gandalf the Grey in Lord of the Rings, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Take that chunky self. You cannot pass because I am determined and I am purposed in my heart to defeat you.

I will dream fondly of those blueberry pancake puppies dripping with their lovely cream cheese frosting. Dreaming is ok though I figure. 🙂

-Mar

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Philippians 4:12-13

 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all thingsthrough him who strengthens me.

No one embarks on a journey alone if they are smart. You should always travel with a friend for safety and companionship along the road. I watched a friend of mine begin her journey with Healthy Figures about 6 months ago. I watched the pounds melt off her and how she was so constant. She didn’t give in. She kept to the meal plan and the results were amazing! Then a few weeks ago another friend began her journey and in the past few weeks she has melted away the pounds too!

So, I took the step and started it myself. I’m four days into the plan and I have no idea how much weight I may have lost. It was rough the first few days because my calories were cut down to 800 and all those being protein for the first three days. Now @ my 4th day I can add veggies! Never been so excited to eat something green lol!

I realized something about my love of food – it is an addiction. Pure and simple. I was brought face to face with that fact on my very first day. I started the plan on Wednesday which is mid-week church night for me. I prepare the meal for my church family and for some reason, one I am still contemplating, I decided that friend chicken from our local Brookshires would be good. GOOD!? Umm, yes it’s amazing! In fact, it’s one of my favorite meals…ever! LOL I didn’t think that meal through very well. I certainly didn’t expect Mrs Vickie, the best dessert maker west of the Mississippi, to bring in her fabulous, sinful sopapilla cheesecake either! I was trapped!!

My struggles that night were vicious. I know it sounds funny and it is now that I can look back at it but while it was tormenting me it was horrible. I was not physically hungry but my emotional/ingrained response was to eat and eat alot! It overpowered me enough to make me break down on the way home and cry. I was so frustrated and upset with myself. I never realized how powerfully food controlled me. I love food. I love to eat. I love the whole experience, the taste, smell and sight of it. For the last 19 yrs I have allowed it to have free reign of my life. I’ve piled on 100lbs that shouldn’t be there. I came face to face with the monster of gluttony and it ain’t pretty!

So, now I’m 4 days into changing my life. Changing my eating habits and the way I look at food. I think I can still love food and all that comes with it and still be healthy. I’ve survived the massive chocolate attack – the lure of fried chicken – the temptress that is mac n cheese and I survived! I’ve gone to Chili’s and IHOP this week and ate a very healthy meal! Sure I had to rush through the menu and find the healthy section but that’s ok. The point is I did it. I’ve gone from a 3500 cal diet (PER DAY) down to less than 800 and the awesome thing is that I have not been deprived at all. I’ve had alot of protein and now I can have veggies. My stomach is being taught a lesson!

I love hearing my DH (dear hubby) tell me he’s proud of me. It makes me feel good and accomplished. I’m not really one to follow through with a diet for more than a day or two. The first sign of temptation and I would dive in head first. Four days may not seem like a lot to someone who doesn’t deal with food addiction and complusive eating but for me it’s a huge victory. Every single day that I win victory over my gluttonous spirit is a day to celebrate!

I can only celebrate because of the One who gives me the strength I need: Jesus Christ.

He is my Savior, my Friend, my biggest Champion, my Banner, my Greatest Love. I know that He is proud of me. I know that He loves me no matter what I weigh. This isn’t about a number or fitting into a smaller size. It’s not about being skinny so I can be a “good” Christian. It’s about me getting control of an area of my life that has been out of control for a while. The only One who can gain that control is my Lord. I can ONLY DO THIS because of Jesus!

So, if you read this and want to praise me for my strength in this matter but please dont. It’s not me! Trust me, if this were left up to me I’d be face down in a huge glorious chocolate cake with two pieces of fried chicken in my hands!! I have only prevailed these past 4 days because of His great love for me. Because of His little pushes here and there. For His sweet Spirit that reminds me it’s not worth it everytime I picked up a food that was not on my plan. It’s all because of Jesus I’m alive!

Thanks for reading my blog and going on this journey with me. My plan is to post a “before” pic and pics along the way. I need to get the nerve up first!! May the sweetness of Jesus flow into your life and lift you up with His strength.

-Mar

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